Mr. Jacobs, to you,
I wish I could temporarily transplant your consciousness into mine.
So you could understand why I am the way I am. You never knew me before I got traumatised, you only know this self I am now.
We met down a street, a smile was all it took and you asked me if you knew me from somewhere.
You had a spiritual experience, you saw a light emanating from me and you felt your movements were not your own, perhaps directed by some unknown force.
This chance meeting that day saved us both, me from laying on train tracks until my blood splattered the end of my existence and you addiction, a dark road to go down.
From then I knew you from somewhere, I had seen your eyes before… from another lifetime, from another sphere.
You were there under the tree meeting me after work.
You took my hand and we ran through the city crowd.
You showed me a good time, to dance and to let go.
You turned the apartment into a jungle so this young girl’s dream of going to the amazonian rainforest was brought to the city.
You spend days with me, just you and me being silly.
In a way, you have allowed me to be myself.
Countless times you have held me in your arms.
You put up with all the pain I had and am still drowned in; the medications, the hospital visits, the appointments.
When I couldn’t sleep in the village you were waiting by the city bus stop in the early hours.
You were there for me when no one else was.
You looked for me, days on end, to make sure I was still alive and not in the woods.
You saved my life by sending me love whilst comatose after trying to take my life in the woods.
To see the one you love try kill themselves multiple times because they cannot cope with the pain must have been rough.
You took my virginity and make love to me so sensually, like other.
You spend night after night smoking with me and allowing me to have the gift of your presence.
And yes, things got messy.
I am sorry for the pain I caused you, I have learnt lessons I will never forget.
What hurts you energetically hurts me.
We hurt eachother, but we know why and we take a big sigh and let it all go. That was the past.
These connections require work, love and the ability to see a higher perspective.
And even though as we sometimes pretend I am on a day trip out from a local mental hospital and you are my carer, you make me feel less crazy than I do, you make me feel free to be my silly comedic self.
Your glassy blue eyes staring into mine, time after time.
Your intense stare sends passionate ripples throughout my body.
You make me feel alive, my whole beings tingles when you feel what I feel.
Then we head to the bedroom where we dance in cosmic wave of love.
I wish you knew me before it all happened.
I wish you could see me in all my glory, without these pills, PTSD, fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression and the rest…
I wish you could see what I see everyday, so you could know how hard it is to be alive let alone try and live and build a life with you.
You were hurt all your life, the trauma you experienced is something no one should ever have to undergo.
And it makes me sad that you had to witness this so young, so beautiful and pure.
No wonder you spent some of your life doing what you did. We are all searching for love in different places.
I wish I could take you up in my arms as a baby and nurture you like we all deserve.
I love you dearly and with a kiss on the cheek this marks the vision of a continued and more harmonious life together.
May we grow and find respite in these times and treat eachother well.
We all are going to suffer, it’s the ones worth suffering for that matters and it’s you.
I love you Mr. Jacobs.
– Amber @diosraw