I need to stop going round in circles and repeating the same mistakes. I am creating my own demise. I am already drowning.
The pain I feel is compltely out of this world; it is the kind of pain that makes you want to commit suicide. No one will ever know how fucked up my reality is. It is a subjective experience. All we can do is imagine.
I want to live a normal life.
I have know idea where I am at and where I am going.
I am not well at all. Invisble pain.
I am sick of myself.
I completely hate my current experience in this body.
The list of effects and symptoms is endless. I don’t have the energy today to keep writing.
Everything seems pointless and dark.
This pandemic is creating so much suffering. Unbearable.
What is peace? I haven’t felt it in years.
Zopiclone (sleeping pill) withdrawals after ten days in. I feel dizzy, weak, muscle cramps, nausea, headaches, hyperactivity, aching body, touch hurts, sounds hurt. However I feel more lucid and awake. I wish I could expect that my brain chemicals will balance out, but when I had the trauma my brain chemicals felt like they had been used up. I don’t think my brain will balance out. Before Zopiclone I had all the symptoms above. What the hell do I do? I am deteriating and falling apart.
I miss life. I miss my body. I miss the outside, I haven’t been outside today.
Country girl struggling to adjust in this plandemic in the city.
I miss routine and growth.
All I want to do is commit suicide. Who am I anymore? Identity? Ego?
What am I doing on this planet?
I want to evolve, grow, to go into my shadow self, to heal, to regenerate, to refresh. I don’t know where to start. I need help. Please I pray change and peace comes.
I’ve been praying for a year or so and no salvation within myself.